How They Used to Write...
Department of "Huh?"

Prospects for Peaceful Coexistence Are Slim...

But we will make one last effort: a set of admonitions to the small furry and feathery woodland creatures:

  1. To a small member of class mammalia: The blue reflector embedded in Lucas Ct. is there so that the fire truck can find where the fire hydrant is in the dark. It is not a suitable place for defecation. We know you are there. You do not need to leave additional "messages." Lucas Ct. is also used by a teenager next door with a license. Being squashed while defecating at midnight by a monkey-driven vehicle is not a dignified way to die.

  2. To another small member of class mammalia: The sewer cover embedded in Lucas Ct. is there in case we have a public-health emergency. It is not a suitable place for defecation. See (1).

  3. To a skunk: Spraying the BBQ is not good for either of us. We win when we use the BBQ. You win too--in grease and food scraps. If you spray the BBQ, we are less likely to use the BBQ. Capisce?

  4. To yet another small member of class mammalia: When I leave my hiking boots outside because they are muddy it does not thereby make them a fit receptacle for substances that even a small concern for the delicacy of my gentle readers prohibits me from mentioning.

  5. To sundry members of class aves, a subcategory of suborder theropoda, a subcategory of order dinosauria, a subcategory of class reptilia (what can I say? Linneaus did not get it right): You have your oak trees. We have our house. If you do not respect the border, we have our vergeltungswaffen--terror weapons: dinner plate-sized robot spiders that drop from the sky. Be warned.

  6. To sundry members of class aves, a subcategory of suborder theropoda, a subcategory of order dinosauria, a subcategory of class reptilia (what can I say? Linneaus did not get it right): Just because you are turkeys does not give you the right to perch on top of the Prius and defecate there.

  7. To yet another small member of class mammalia: Biting the house every four inches so that your needle-like teeth punch holes in it is annoying. There is a reliable source of year-round water 100 yards north north east at the spring in the blackberry thicket.

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